to get me through the day

posted by Keri Smith, some thoughts that made me feel good about myself today. . .

January 20, 2006
insights from a hangover



a rather hopeless morning begins with me feeling "under the weather" because I consumed too much wine at a dinner party last night. I always beat myself up when that happens, because I know all too well having spent many months in the hospital with my mom that there are so many people out in the world who struggle with genuine illnesses every single day, and here I am doing it to myself.

overindulgence. a dirty word. so I sleep a little longer than usual. I try to keep some tea down and remind myself that I am human and prone to make mistakes now and then.

it is only in the last two years that I have really embraced my mistakes. picked them up off the dirty floor and hugged them for all I am worth. Not just the mistakes, but the insecurities, the fears, the junk. What does it mean to love those bits of yourself that you think are ugly?

For my whole life I have had difficulty looking at photos of myself. It was as if that person could never be enough for me, I did not want to see any of my flaws (or the things I percieved as imperfect). Now as I sit here at this cluttered desk (nursing a headache), I liken it to the process of creating a piece of artwork, and being willing to make work that is imperfect and flawed. This morning I was reminded of an article I wrote in "Living Out Loud", entitled "how to wreck a sketchbook". I feel another article coming on right now along the lines of "how to take bad photos of yourself". How to really look at those photos and let them be. How to love that image flaws and all. Yeah it looks like I have a double chin and a huge nose, and I don't know why I ever thought that skirt looked good on me. fuck it. that is all of me. Yes I can love me when the situation is favourable and flattering, and everything is just so, but can I love me when things are messy?

there is me the beautiful, inspired, kick-ass, full of life woman. and there is me who had too much to drink and wishes she could take back the last 12 hours, in her pyjamas that smell like cereal and milk. and there is the me that worries if people see a bad photo they might not like me as much, I will be taken off the list of "beautiful people they know", and put onto the list of "people who look unique".

all of me.

and if you want to work on embracing these things in yourself I suggest you go spend some time with some woman friends who will look at photos of you and see your real beauty (the stuff you can't see because of all your shit), and they will tell you about the little details, how your personality was captured by the way you tossed your head or held a glass, or how your eyes lit up for an instant and they saw your soul flood out. And if you are lucky, if you allow yourself (even if you really don't like the photo and want it burned), you might for an instant be able to see what they are seeing. you might start to realize that the real essence of you has nothing to do with what you are wearing or what your hair was like that day.

It is possible to love the bad photos. I'm actually thinking of creating a new gallery for them in my house.

Some little pangs of hunger start to creep in. a good sign I am on the road to recovery.